Ahoy!

That's right. I am a boat owner.

That sounds a bit impressive, doesn't it? But in truth, I merely obtained a really cheap kayak at the evil anti-American Sam's outlet store and fat people display, admittedly because I would rather see America flushed down the giant toilet than pay an extra $150 to buy this boat from someone (read: Outfitter. Now, I am all for outfitters. I buy loads from my local outfitter. But this kayak thing smacks of being a fad, and I am not going to pay top dollar for one of my whimsical fads!) who knew what they were talking about. So, $300 got me a starter kayak, the paddle and the skirt. For the record, I haven't had a skirt as part of my attire since the early parts of my Appalachian Trail hike, where I was freeballing with my kilt and loving it. But the boat came with a skirt of some kind, so now I have one again. So now all I need is a life vest and a beer holder and I will become Captain Ahab, Columbus of the waterways, a modern day Desoto gliding through the Mississippi bayous like an unbearably proud Cortez, only taller. Monsieurs Balboa and Magellan will be gazing down at me from the Big Ship in the Sky where the Navigational Gods reside and saying to each other "He's going to want a corner office".


I already have a vision of me crawling in this thing above some mighty rapid, all other kayakers fearfully abandoning the quest for adventure whilst I smirk dismissively, pop the top of a cheap American beer and sling myself into the turbulent void, music from Meatloaf's first album bouncing loudly off the walls of the surrounding canyon as my kayak lunges pell-mell into the wet frothy vortex of Hell.

I find that I have a rather inexplicable desire to put all kinds of outdoorsy-styled manly bumper stickers all over it. Stuff like "Kayakers Do It Upside Down" and "If God didn't want me to hunt animals He Wouldn't have made them out of Meat!" and "Pabst Blue Ribbon". I very much want a helmet, preferably a used one that already has a nasty dent in it. I want really cool wrap-around sunglasses with those nerdy little rope ties that keep the shades on your head during those knarly runs through - well, in this case through the Pearl River. But let's be honest here: some of those fishing boats can kick up a surprisingly large wake!

So now I am kayak man, and I have scheduled my first outing for the Fourth of July. Beers, tents, fireworks and neophyte boaters stuffed into floating cigars. Now THERE will be something to write home about.

And in the meantime, if you hear the sound of crashing splashing waters in YOUR dreams, well, it's just me flushing America down the toilet by shopping at Sam's again.